I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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