I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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