you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
