Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
