he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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