I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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