I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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