Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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