Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
