I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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