I'm gonna have a badass scar
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
