Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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