Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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