I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Someone came in the potted fern
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
