if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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