You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
