Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it glows. i had to have it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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