So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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