The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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