bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
