Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
