Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
