I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dicks are not precious.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
