I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
