it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
