Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
