It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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