I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I AM VODKA MAN
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
