and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
