Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
