i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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