Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
