Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We got so high we made milksteak
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
