If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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