I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
