just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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