census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
