it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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