If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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