Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Congratulations! We have a period
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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