JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
