ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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