He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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