I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
