Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
