Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
