the condom got lost in my hair
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
