Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
