he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
