just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
