Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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