she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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