if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
