The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
