Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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